Great Expectations

Yesterday, the doorbell rang. It was the teenager next door, delivering a letter that was sent to the wrong address. I saw it was from a friend, and immediately thought it must be a late Christmas card. I felt that little bit of excitement, that you know is something that's not a bill, like a Christmas card (or a delivery from ThinkGeek). I hadn't had a Christmas card from her in years. I felt slightly bewildered as I opened two sheets of paper... where is the card? Wait, what? My eyes scanned the words as I flipped the page and suddenly realized...I opened a four-page PFO (please f-off) letter that indicated she thought I held some kind of grudge toward her, didn't want to hang out with her, and ended with a statement about her ending the friendship and providing her with closure.

Stunned, I read it again. Then one more time. Then I called my husband. I read it to him. He laughed. He thought I was joking. Nope.

Once I got over the sheer 'is this really happening' of the situation, I started to process the information. It must have deeply mattered to this friend that I hadn't hung out with her in a few years (which was cited in the letter). It seemed that every time we were trying to set up a coffee date, something didn't work. And it was usually on my end. The past decade, in addition to my professional life, I've had three kids, been in the true sandwich generation, caring for small children and aging/dying parent. Then I lost my mom, had my third child a few weeks later, and have been balancing my kids, my job, my professional volunteer obligations since then. I can literally fill an entire month, from morning to bedtime, with those things and have no time for myself whatsoever. Easily. Let alone hanging out with friends. Especially not hanging out with friends without at least one kid in tow... that rarely happens.

It's fair to say that as life evolves, friendship changes. Especially when it spans a critical time of change, from teenage to adulthood to mid-life. The problem, I think, is when the expectations of that friendship haven't changed. I no longer have the flexibility I did in university. I have small humans that depend on me 24/7. Until my mother recently passed away, I had a full-grown adult riddled with cancer relying on me too.

My reasons behind not hanging out with her were not ill-spirited or intentional. No grudge, no avoidance, no pushing away. It may sound trite, but I really just don't have a lot of free time. Especially between the hours of 7am and 9pm. Most of my work, writing or time to myself is done after they go to bed, not exactly 'let's go for coffee' time.

Now, you might read this and say, that sounds like excuses, and I'm sure unless you lived a day with me, that would be valid. And in fact, I rarely see any of my friends unless we have shared things to do, which usually involve kids. Since almost none of my friends are friends with eachother, visiting each friend is an individual thing. And since I work from home part-time without regular childcare, I reserve my limited babysitters for work-related needs.

It also means that the vast majority of my communication takes place on the phone, on Facebook, in a text, or in an email - where I can sneak 30 min of time. It doesn't mean I don't think of them, or wish I had more time to visit. But when I have some time, I try to communicate. And this seems to be understood by most of my friends...especially the ones who are in the same boat as me. It also makes face-to-face time more meaningful, when it does happen.

Friendship morphs and changes as life evolves, just like in a marriage. The ones that endure have the ability to change and adapt, while still adding value, be it seeing eachother daily in class or seeing eachother once a year at a Coffee and Play place.

In this instance, I feel bad that a conversation between us didn't take place. Perhaps I could have let her know it's not personal, and that relationships don't always need to be physical to matter. Perhaps it just wasn't what she needed from the relationship. Perhaps, from her perspective, the medium is the message. Whatever the case, we had very differing expectations about what friendship looks like.

Going forward, I'll make sure I let my friends know that they matter, and what I'll be able to give back at this point in my life. Expectation Management. Lesson learned.